The sharp rap on the door made Cal jump. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been staring into space, zoned out and thinking about things that definitely weren’t related to what he was supposed to be doing. Mostly, how he felt weird that, at one time, he had considered spending time with Ben as work. It had been. He had the pay stubs to prove it. But it felt even weirder that until the previous weekend Cal had still felt that spending time with Ben was performing some kind of service. A favor rather than something he wanted for himself.

The sight of Ben carrying his groceries and sitting across a table from him sipping coffee as they’d worked had somehow changed all that. The sex was great but, goddamnit, he’d spent the last couple of days tripping over himself because Ben had let him pick a movie to watch and held the door for him a couple of times.

Clearing his throat, he made a noise which sounded enough like ‘come in’ that the door opened. He was both relieved and concerned that Wendall was the one to walk in. Concerned mostly as the glint in his eye looked like trouble. He was practically vibrating with it as he unceremoniously lifted the stack of papers from the chair Cal’s students usually sat in and dumped them on his desk, taking their place. “So, a little bird tells me you’ve been a bit distracted the last couple of days.”

Cal stayed very still for a second before he swiveled away and looked down at the document on his laptop. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about the fact you tried to give the same lecture twice to the same class.” Cal ignored him and wondered which one of the little bastards narked on him. “Also you wore the same outfit twice in one week.” Cal scoffed. Maybe he was making a statement. About sustainability or something. “And you just skipped the faculty meeting to—” Wendall leaned forward to squint at his screen, “work on a paper you published last year.”

“Oh fuck,” Cal muttered, actually reading the words on the screen for the first time instead of letting his gaze slide over them. Then his brain caught up to what Wendall said. “Oh Fuck.”

He didn’t know whether he wanted to fling himself dramatically on the floor or rush out to find someone to apologize to. He ended up making a keening noise and burying his face in his hands, which was clearly melodramatic enough for Wendall who rolled his eyes out loud.

“Oh my god, it’s fine. I told them you had a family emergency. It wasn’t anything earth shattering and you can borrow my notes.”

“You made notes?”

He looked at Cal like he was the dumbest dumbass on the planet, which wasn’t far off in Cal’s calculation. “No. It was the usual ‘could have been an email’ stuff. There were donuts but I ate yours.” Wendall smiled at his disappointment. “So you wanna tell me what’s going on or shall I just keep guessing until you want to murder me.”

“What makes you think I’m not there already.” Cal leveled him with a look but it didn’t stick. Cal’s shoulders slumped and he figured if he was going to talk to anyone, it wouldn’t be the worst idea to talk to his work-wife. “I’ve been seeing someone.”
To his credit, Wendall didn’t leap triumphantly from the chair and pump his fist like Cal thought he would. Instead, Wendall tipped his head and looked concerned. “And you’re saying this like you’ve been scheduled for execution because…?”

“I thought I could handle it. A friends with benefits thing. It was supposed to be low-key, something fun to pass the time. And then…” Cal wasn’t such where to start. Maybe with the fact that he’d come untouched the first time Ben had fucked him, something that had never even come close to happening with anyone else, ever.

Wendall folded his hands together and leaned forward a little. “Did his feelings change or yours?”

“I think…both? I kept telling myself that he didn’t feel that way about me but lately—the way he looks at me sometimes—I think he might be thinking about—getting attached.”

Wendall raised his eyebrows, probably at the way Cal had phrased that but he didn’t call Cal on it, instead asking, “And you?”

Cal rubbed at his temple. “I thought I could handle it,” he said again. “He’s a nice guy, he’s nice to be around.”

“Is the sex terrible?”

Cal had to laugh even though the situation wasn’t funny at all. “No. No, but it’s a problem.” Wendall looked so confused so he clarified. “We’ve been fooling around for a while and it’s great, right from the start. But then the first time we…y’know…” From Wendall’s blank face he didn’t. Cal rolled his eyes and spelled it out. “Fucked, Wendall. The first time he fucked me I just…” Wendall reached out and took his hand as if he was expecting something traumatic, which it was in a way. “I just thought oh my god, I want to marry him. I had to lock myself in the bathroom afterward in case he tried to cuddle me and I told him so. I think about him all the fucking time. It’s really distracting and when he fucks me, it’s so good, I wanna cry.”

Wendall opened his mouth. Then shut it. Then opened it again. This went on for a while before he finally asked, “And this is bad because…?”

“I don’t do relationships. I just don’t.” Wendall started to speak again, but Cal cut him off. “I have good reasons, very good reasons. If you knew them you’d agree with me that it’s better that I don’t get involved with anyone.”

“I don’t think I would,” Wendall sounded like he meant it. “Most everything can be worked around if you talk about it.”

“It’s not about him, not really. It’s me. I need to protect him from me and protect me from me. I thought it would be okay and now I’m catching feelings for him and it’s not healthy for either of us.”

“You wanna talk to me about it? This thing that’s holding you back?”

Cal looked at Wendall’s sweet face and thought about how it would look if Cal told him about the person he used to be, about Sebastian and how he’d ruined Cal, all the hurt and pain, emotional and physical. He shook his head. “I wouldn’t put you through that.”

“But you are talking to someone, right? A therapist or—”

Cal nodded. He wasn’t seeing his shrink any more but Harry had been with him every step of the way, and he was practically qualified. “Yes. Absolutely.”

“Well, I think you need to talk to them about this. And more importantly, talk to your guy. As much as I would love to say, you should try to work it out, if you don’t think you can, don’t string him along. If you really care about him you shouldn’t give him false hope.”

The idea of telling Ben goodbye seemed impossible when he said it like that. But then what else could he do? There had to be a way of letting him down easy, but simply the idea of it was gut wrenching. “I know,” Cal whispered. “I know I have to.”

Wendall made a sad, groaning sound and reached across to him, roughly gathering Cal’s wilting form into his arms and holding him tight. “Maybe you don’t. Maybe you can work this out? Maybe he’s the one, Cal?”

He is, Cal thought. He is the one. Which is why I shouldn’t be selfish and let him go.